| Love...no matter what happens. That's my promise.
I wonder...what is it like to want to cry, to have to cry, to be desperate to cry...but the tears just cannot escape? hearing dry sobs...watching her wipe away imaginary tears...a heart so heavy...sobs...memories painting the grayness that hangs in the heavy heart...the sunny days, the pregnant days, the infant days, the cherished, the embarassing, the hilarious, the seemingly unimportant...a defining moment. Then comes the hopes...the longing to have seen that last track meet, to walk down that bike path again, to have walked under the cherry trees, to take a boat ride, to have watched the Terminal together, to have gone down to that resturant together in Hawaii again...another moment defined. Slowly the anger, the frustrations, are raised up; why me? what did I do wrong? I was good, how come i deserve this?...nobody deserves this....why dont the doctors know? why do they not care? I was rejected...the trash of the earth. Nobody wants me....a sob of frustration this time. I question the power that ruins mankind to care...why. Why isnt each individual cherished? How can you leave a patient, so broken, so hopeless, so weak without an answer, or at least an attempt of an answer? Why must someone live with not knowing if its even worth it to try and stay alive? Do they not care? Have they grown dull of seeing the patients suffer, that suffering does not move them any more? Everyone thinks they know it all. That they've got everything figured out. I firmly wish that my mom would keep hoping, to keep striving towards the state of health that she once had, to desire to live...and i want to encourage those things to her. But her thoughts are different, she wants to be in peace, stop the battle thats been going on in her body and in her mind, stop the hurting...and I cant see why she doenst want to just be living, really living again...but maybe its out of my selfishness that I can't let her go. I cant just easily let somone i love so much slip away into her own thoughts...but thought is powerful. "there is thought, and then there is thinking about thought...and those two just arent the same." The words that come out to express thought...that will never be enough. Words are words...they convey the idea, the thing of the thought, but not the thought itself. And its shouganai...everyone sees the world as they see it, and no one will be able to fully understand another's sufferings, their thoughts, their emotions, their perception. I feel like sometimes, I get in touch with her...the real her that's beneath all this darkness...and yet sometimes, I feel like I am able to accept her desires, her wishes of wanting eternal rest...and I feel so weak. So small...I wish I had all the knowlege in the world...i wish I knew how minds worked, I wish I could speak Japanese so I could challenge those so called "doctors" that dont give a sh*t about how their patients really feel...money, pride. The downfall of man. I wish I could always be there, see her, and see her see me. I wish that I could laugh with her, to grieve with her, to go down to the depths of her heart where its so dark...and give her a warming fire. I wish...I wish....and this list is so endless...and after all the wishing, the thing I wish i were is...to be God. So that I could know everything, make everything alright, and make her feel-if that's the only thing thatll happen-peace. And I ask Him to give her these things, to put in the things that will make everything alright, for strength, for endurance...and I know He hears...even if all the things I ask for arent answered. I see God, and He's my only hope. In her rejection, she goes to God. God isnt ever rejecting...no matter what. When we die to ourselves, we are made alive in Him. Made alive, in the purest form God has made us to be. I have peace in God when I am laying at his knees, with Jesus by my side in heaven...and I know that eternity is good. That He is good. And that He chose to love us no matter what. And that's his promise to us. |
